First post in 2 years! Motivated, AKA shamed by Lane Kennedy to finally do some writing. If what I write works for you, I claim all the praise, should this just annoy or anger you, I blame Lane

That out of the way, here we are, what 2.5 or 3 months into the Covid Pandemic and we are starting to leave our houses. Or should I say, those of us who think scientists and organizations like CDC and WHO know better than that dude on twitter posting memes about hoaxes and conspiracies, start to leave their houses. We find ourselves in the “new normal”. As to the people getting their advice from Alex Jones and Fox News or the train wreck in the White House,, well those motherfuckers have been out there for a while, marching in the streets and licking hand rails and shit to prove Covid is just a normal flu.

Regardless, this is not about who is right (science) or batshit crazy (hand rail lickers) This is about how the pandemic has morphed into a Zombie Apocalypse. Of course in this ZA, we are dealing with Zombies who are just brain dead as opposed to undead, who are sort of a hybrid of World War Z Zombies, combined with the Walkers from The Walking Dead. For clarity when I reference WWZ, I am talking about the Brad Pitt movie in which the infected were just mindless vessels whose only purpose was to spread the Zombie virus. So why do I say the no mask wearing, drunkly hugging, gun toting, whining at the door of Trader Joes, hand rail lickers are a hybrid? Simple, they are mindlessly helping to spread a virus, but an overwhelming majority of them seem to be overweight white trash mouth breathers so I can not imagine them running fast enough to catch anyone who is aware and prepared.

Which all leads me to the real comparison. And that is, everything you need to know to survive and stay safe and healthy during the new normal, you can learn by watching WWZ, The Walking Dead or any of the OG George Romero Zombie movies. You really can !

Here, I’ll break it down for you, first off, the deal is to always be aware. The handrail lickers will be easy to spot, they will not have masks on in public spaces, so first and foremost, when you spot one of non-masked, just assume they are infected and move away from them. Like I said, most of them will only have the ability to move at the speed of The Walking Dead walkers, so getting 6-12 feet between you and them should be pretty easy. So what if they get closer or you don’t have room to avoid them? Well just as Zombies can be taken down by destroying the brain, the non-masked also have weaknesses. The first weakness is the knees, a sidekick or leg sweep will take them down and in the right circumstances, also incapacitate them long enough for you to make your escape. Another way to create space is a good hard kick to the solar plexus. This one actually serves both purposes. A direct full leg kick will push them out of the danger zone AND will knock their breath out, eliminating any chance of them pursuing you. Of course after any of this type of contact, you are going to want to disinfect your shoes or leave them in the sun for a while before bringing them into your house.

My other suggestion is, despite all the altruistic social media, mamby pamby, namaste. BS posts saying things like “I don’t wear a mask for me, I wear it for you” – F all that. I wear that shit for ME. Just like a zombie attack, I don’t need to out run the zombies, I just need to outrun you! I know that seems selfish but of course IDGAF what anyone thinks of my motives, because regardless of my reasoning, if I take the actions needed to stay safe myself, wearing a mask when interacting with others, keeping a safe distance, limiting my exposure, washing my hands (or shoes), if I do all that, I will in effect be helping you all. So it is 100% ok to think of yourself first, it is just like putting your oxygen mask on before helping others during a plane incident. You are no help to anyone else if you are not healthy yourself.

And lastly, let’s say you think you have been infected, the first thing you want to do is avoid your family and friends, in case you really are sick, just like if you see a scratch and think you have been bitten by a zombie, you know you don’t want to eat your friends and family, cuz that would make YOU feel like shit, so again, self serving motive. You will want to stay away and give it some time to see if you are really sick, have a doctor check you out for confirmation. Of course the difference here is if you are infected with Covid, you do not need to put a gun to your head, but based on some first hand stories about how this disease affects you, you may want to shoot yourself at some point. But with Covid, unlike the zombie virus, there is a very good chance you will survive, so get the help you need and do not give up. And again, get through it for yourself, so you can be there for your friends and family, and most likely you will come out with some type of immunity to the Covid (we hope) but either way, you will come back with a new found confidence to get out there and deal with the unmasked !

Anyway, my point is, be safe, be alert and most of all, survive !